satire

The perfect MMORPG

“Genius” by MaroBot

The following story is entirely satirical. Chindividual is no semi-divine being, capable of creating a video game, let alone programming an Excel sheet. 

Dear Guild of United Game Developers,

Thank you for giving me this opportunity to develop the perfect MMORPG. Not are you just giving me a gazillion dollars of funds, but you have also decided to leave the entire design, production and testing process in my gifted hands. Though I should not be surprised about how much trust you have towards a gaming demi-god like me, I do want to voice my honest gratitude for providing me with this chance.

You might have given me dictatorial control of this project, but I would like to keep you informed about my plans. I might not allow any of your untalented employees in my office (which I want to be referred to as the “Immaculate Dome of Enlightenment” from now on), I do want to provide you with a peek into my brilliant thinking procedure. Not that you mere mortals are able to comprehend it, but I take pleasure in seeing you try.

First of all, the savior of MMORPG’s would have fast-paced, positional combat. The fools behind Guild Wars 2 have created a good source of inspiration, and I will make sure to integrate a similar system into my creation. The idea that skills are weapon-bound is fascinating, allowing some interesting tactical options. Though GW2 has its flaws, the combat system is almost perfect. Of course, once I have molded it, it will be perfect.

Once the combat has been fleshed out, I will provide players with ample chances to explore a vast cosmos with their own vessel. Though the obvious reference here would be EVE Online, I draw my inspiration from Star Trek Online. Space travel is more abstract there, but the crew management gives life to your ship and your adventures. Why sail alone from planet to planet, when you can spend your time micro-managing henchmen?

It’s good though that I have mentioned EVE (then again, what is not good when done by me?). My perfect gem will offer a deep, complicated player economy, focused around scarcity of resources and remote trading posts. In my virtual world, you will have to peruse the markets far and wide for that +3 vorpal blade of ogre-slaying. Quality will not be found in dungeons, but in the hands of a skillfull tradesman.

Finally, the soundtrack will be written by Jeremy Soule and Nobou Uematsu. If those two fail to cooperate, I will send out my winged monkeys to snatch them in their sleep. My research has shown that humans grow more cooperative when…motivated in the right way.

I would say that this is enough information for now. Once I have created a succesful game (don’t even bother with a beta, I succeed on the first try), I will write you from my throne paid from the bizarre profit I’ve made. Of course, you will reap some rewards too. Do you prefer a red or black Lamborghini?

Signed,

Chindividual, He Who Saves The Genre.